Well, I don't really want this to turn into a rant, but it is my blog, so I need a place to dump this. Not too long ago, my niece, sister, and I got into a fairly heated debate on Facebook. I think that it all began over the passage of the Healthcare Bill, but it quickly spiraled into a bad place that hurt me on a personal level. Comments were made about my sister not having help as she struggled through certain troubles in her life. When I responded that she most definitely did have help, I was informed by my niece (who wasn't old enough at the time to form her own opinions) that the help was not offered without strings. I told her that I was sorry that she and her mom didn't realize how much they were loved and that they had a very jaded view of certain family members. Sis then chimed in with something to the effect that I had jaded opinions, too. This convo was months ago, and I am still stewing, so maybe writing out a response will help me to let it go. Maybe my sister (or niece) read my blog and will gain a better understanding of where I am coming from. Maybe my Christian friends who take the time to read my rambling will send up a prayer that I will find some peace in this area. Maybe one day I will be brave enough to talk it out with or at least send this letter to my sister, and then move forward. So, here goes....
I have been stewing for awhile now over a comment that you made on Facebook. You feel that I have a jaded view of you. I get the impression that you think that my opinions aren't my own; that I have been fed stories by my mom and dad regarding you. It hurts me if you think this, because our father loves you!! I wish you could understand how much. Maybe I could share with you a story about his love for you. I was 15 when you made the decision to move back in with us in VA. You would be coming with your daughter and son and Dad took me for a walk one evening to talk with me about it. When he told me that you were coming back, 15v year old me did not want you to. I was scared that you would move in and I would get attached to you and the kids, and then you would leave again. Dad understood my fear. He loved me and he acknowledged that I had been hurt before by an oh so similar situation. BUT, he also loved you. He knew that you were hurting and felt alone. He knew that you were scared about your future and the future of your kids. And so, he asked me to open my 15 year old heart to the possibility that we could help. We could love you. We could care for you and the kids. We could maybe ease some of your hurt and offer you an escape from some of your troubles. He asked me to allow for the possibility that this time might be different. This time you might start a life with us. You might stay. My 15 year old heart leapt at the chance to actually have my sister with me full time again and I put aside my reservations and of course fell madly in love with your kiddos. Sadly, you once again chose to return to KY. While I can certainly understand missing home and wanting to return to the place you were raised and felt comfortable, my then 16 year old heart was broken. Not only was my sister leaving (again), but she was taking her beautiful babies with her. I feel like I have harboured this for so long. UGH!!! It's been 17 years and here I sit, writing about it. I think that it was at that point that I realized how little you care for me and our brother. You've talked with me about your life and why you've chosen certain things. You want my sympathy and even my respect. But, you've never talked with me about how your actions and decisions have affected me. I wonder if you have even ever considered that I was hurt. It's not that I want you to change your choices. They are in the past and can't be taken back. It isn't even that I can't understand some of your decisions (especially the choice to move back). I get it. I know that it wasn't a perfect situation for you. I just wish that you could acknowledge that your choices have left scars on other people who you claim to love. And, I wish you could understand how much we (Dad especially) love you. He asked his younger daughter to put aside her feelings and fears in order to benefit his eldest child. Would you have been willing to do the same? Anyway, maybe this will give you some insight into my feelings. Maybe now, I can start to let it go. Maybe, in the future, you'll remember how much Dad loves you. He's not perfect. He'll readily admit that himself, but he loves his kids unconditionally and I hope that you know that and share it with his grandchildren. They deserve to hear from their mom how much their Poppi loves them. I guess that's about it. Know that I love you and really do try to understand you. I hope that maybe someday you'll understand me a bit better, too.